Dear Judie,

For all our kvetching about the ills of social media, one of its clear upsides is that it affords us the opportunity to receive real feedback in real time which can, ultimately, lead us to become more informed members of society. Of course, that’s not what any of us actually use social media for. So, with that said, let’s just get right down to it: Judie, it’s time for you to double down on your bullshit.

Let me perfectly be clear here: Whatever nonsense you just posted on your socials? Yeah, that nonsense is now the gospel. I don’t care if you denied the blueness of the sky¹. I don’t care if you questioned the wetness of water². I don’t care if you proclaimed that the moon is made of a rare and expensive cheese. From this moment on, I want you to stick to whatever narrative you pulled out of your ass and I want you to scream it until you believe it. Hell, I want you to scream it until your KIDS believe it. Twenty years from now, I want your children to be so thoroughly indoctrinated with whatever balderdash you just concocted that when they reach adulthood they struggle to form healthy relationships with other grown-ups because they keep ruining dinner parties with rants about how the moon is made of aged gouda.

You see, Judie, what you have to understand is that, at this stage in the human experiment, none of our online exchanges really have anything to do with “the pursuit of truth” or “the collective pursuit of knowledge”. All those ships sailed a decade ago. Today, in the year of our Lord 2024, the lot of us are exclusively and unapologetically in the ego inflation/preservation business.

So, the moment you finish reading this, here’s what I want you to do: I want you to open up whatever godforsaken app got you into this mess, I want you to pull up your digital nemesis’s comment and I want you to reply with one single word: “POPPYCOCK!” 

You see, I’m pretty sure you’re dealing with one of those chronically online wisenheimers who’s constitutionally incapable of going more than ten seconds without using phrases that begin with “It should be noted…” or “Actually, the data show…”. If so, they’ll either A) Flood your comments with links to reputable sources further supporting their claims or B) Bitch and moan about your refusal to engage on their scholarly terms.

If they go with Option A– good! Because no one’s actually gonna click any of those links  [and if someone actually does, it won’t matter because they won’t actually read them ] [[and if they actually do, it still won’t matter because no one else did ]].

And if they go with Option B– also good! Because, at this point, you’re basically just leveraging the all mighty and undefeated power of the Bullshit Asymmetry Principle.

To put it simply, Judie, all you really have to do here is stick to your fraudulent guns and ride this thing out. No matter what the opposition says, no matter how logical their arguments, no matter how empirically sound their refutations– you simply double down on your own malarkey. You dig your heels in, you hold the line and you die on that hill of horse manure you so recklessly and irresponsibly created. This is the way, Judie. 

This is the way.

1 It should be noted…

2 Actually, the data show…