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BATMAN & JOKER ARE OPENING COMPETING BURGER JOINTS! HERE’S EVERYTHING WE KNOW
No one was exactly shocked when Batman and Joker announced their retirement last week. I mean, let’s face it, their final street fight was a far cry from the classic throwdowns they used to have in their prime. Not only did both hero and villain call for a 2-minute timeout halfway through the scuffle so they could catch their breath but, after it was all said and done, Bats wound up on the sideline for an entire week thanks to a pulled hammy and Joker, well, Joker’s still going to PT twice a week for a torn rotator cuff.
Everyone declared their retirement the end of an era… but it looks like we all spoke a little too soon. Rather than riding off into the sunset, Bats and Joker are actually just moving the fight to a new arena– taking their 80+ year rivalry off the street and into the kitchen. Not even one hour ago, Gotham’s most iconic archenemies announced their plans to open competing burger joints… directly across the street from each other!
While both parties are keeping details close to the chest, The Pie did manage to score some exclusive insights. For starters, both restaurants will reflect their owners’ long held principles. For Batman, that means adhering to the strict ‘no killing’ policy he held as a crimefighter. Which means, yes, his burgers will be plant-based. But before you start rolling your eyes over there, remember… this is The Batman we’re talking about.
In preparation for his new burger joint, What’s Beef?™, The Caped Crusader infiltrated 11 of the most critically acclaimed burger establishments in the world [both meat and plant-based] and secured the deets on their most highly guarded culinary secrets. He then returned to the Batcave and spent 72 sleepless hours crafting what he’s confident will go down as the most delicious burger you’ve ever had– plant-based or otherwise!
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Needless to say, the mission statement looks a tad different over at Joker’s restaurant, Ground Zero™. Unlike Bats, The Clown Prince plans to pack as much death into every square inch of beef patty as inhumanly possible. Not only is every cow guaranteed to be slaughtered either by Joker himself or one of his handpicked henchmen, but he intends to make sure that dining at his spot goes down as the most artery-clogging experience you’ve ever had. In fact, all patrons will be required to sign a waiver prior to being seated, as each burger is expected to carry a 29% chance of congestive heart failure.
As for the shenanigans longtime fans have come to expect from their favorite hero/villain pairing, they’ll be thrilled to know that– though opening day is still weeks away for both spots– Batman and Joker are already neck-deep in their competitive ways.
It hasn’t even been a full two days since Bats signed the lease for What’s Beef? and, yet, Joker’s already hatched three nefarious plots to try and prevent The Dark Knight’s burger joint from seeing the light of day. First there was the ‘laughing gas in the mulligitawny soup’ plot! Then the ‘destroy the place from within by having Harley Quinn apply as a busboy’ scheme! And, most recently, the ‘ah screw it, just kidnap Bats’ sous chef’ caper!
Of course, Bats being Bats, he anticipated all of Joker’s moves and thwarted each one just in the knick of time. Bats also took the liberty of contacting the Gotham Department of Health and reporting Ground Zero for 391 health code violations. Unfortunately, the Health Inspector died 3 hours later under “suspicious circumstances”. And then his successor died 6 hours after that. So by the time the third inspector took office he was basically like fuck it, let Joker cook.
Thousands of Heroes and Villains have already expressed support for their morally-aligned restauranteur of choice. Both The Justice League and The Legion of Doom released statements communicating their intentions to be first in line opening day.
Experts expect both establishments to smash all Gotham revenue records on opening day. They also expect that day to be the city’s first cataclysmic event centered around a restaurant turf war seeing as how both squads are expected to show up, scarf down their grub, leave scathing one-star reviews on Yelp for the opposition, then take to the street that separates both establishments to engage in an epic battle resulting in tens of thousands of deaths and billions in property damage.
Mark J. Burton II is The Pie’s Chief Writing Officer. He once had a mid-rare burger topped with fiscalini cheddar that he still thinks about weekly. If Bats can top that on some plant-based shit, hand homie the Nobel. You can find Mark on IG & Twitter.
