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this american pie
D.A.R.E. MASCOT ARRESTED IN STRING OF HOME INVASIONS TARGETING PRO-DRUG CELEBS
Few of us could’ve predicted waking up this morning and finding Snoop Dogg on IG Live, imploring a record-shattering 17 million viewers to give up marijuana and all other forms of recreational drugs. Even fewer of us could’ve predicted that this was only the beginning of what would ultimately go down as the most unhinged day in the history of the internet. Then again, the fact that Snoop had a .357 magnum pressed against the side of his head probably should’ve been our first clue that we weren’t in Kansas anymore…
Not even an hour after Snoop’s IG feed went dark– Joe Rogan logged on. With that same revolver cozied up to his temple, Mr. DMT told 28 million viewers that they should take every controlled psychoactive substance in their possession and set all of it on fire. Now!
Over the next few hours, IG Live would become center stage for some of our most famous drug-enthusiasts to renounce their ways: Willie Nelson! Mike Tyson! Elon Musk!
Fortunately the FBI had been on the case since early morning, which led them to the Hollywood estate of Barbadian pop star/pot enthusiast, Rihanna, about 15 minutes ago. It was here, authorities say, that they apprehended Daren The Lion just seconds before he could break into Riri’s living room.
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For the uninitiated, Daren The Lion is the face of D.A.R.E, an educational program launched in 1983 to teach kids about the dangers of drugs. Unfortunately for Daren, the D.A.R.E. program seemed to do little in the way of curbing our cravings, and the overwhelming consensus today is that the program was an unmitigated failure.
Documents discovered in Daren’s home just before his arrest point to a mascot who became more and more unhinged in a post-D.A.RE. world. But Daren’s ire seemed to increase a thousand-fold in the social media era, where celebrities regularly use their platforms to champion the very substances Daren devoted his life to fighting against.
Daren apparently became obsessed with these celebrities. So much so that, after creating a list of “Hollywood’s most wretched”, he devoted a year of his life to planning a series of home invasions in a last ditch effort to “save the world from itself”.
According to those in the educational mascot world, Daren simply couldn’t adapt to the real world the way his contemporaries did.
Take McGruff the Crime Dog. After spending all of his 20s and 30s railing against illegal activity, McGruff finally accepted the fact that humans are never going to stop jacking each other’s cars. Which is why he leveraged his relationships in the world of law enforcement and started a Private Military Firm that caters solely to protecting the lives and private property of the 0.00001%.
And after eight decades of trying to teach kids how to prevent forest fires, Smokey Bear wisened up and realized that urbanization is the future. Which is why he started a consulting firm for big time developers looking for legal loopholes to turn your favorite nature reserve into high-rise condos.
Smokey and McGruff remain friends to this day but say they’ve fallen out of touch with Daren in recent years. The last time the three were together was at Nancy Reagan’s funeral, where Daren went on a three and a half minute tirade about how Red Bull was the latest tool in the Addiction-Industrial Complex’s energy-drink-to fentanyl pipeline.
Mark J. Burton II is The Pie’s Chief Writing Officer. He knew the educational mascots had officially jumped the shark when McGruff told us to stop pirating music on Limewire. You can find Mark on Twitter and IG.
