It doesn’t matter if you rescued a puppy from a burning building. It doesn’t matter if your boyfriend finally proposed. It doesn’t matter if your mother called you at 4am on Sunday and told you that she’s in remission. When a co-worker asks you how your weekend was there are only three acceptable answers: “Good”, “Alright” or “Oh you know”.

These are amongst the many lessons employees of a Seattle accounting firm had to impart upon their newest team member, Lisa Lockhart, who– despite being 28 years old– still hasn’t figured out that no one in the office gives a flying fuck about her actual life.

Since Ms. Lockhart joined the firm two months ago, employees have been finding out the hard way that asking her anything other than a simple Yes or No question can and will result in a legitimately thoughtful answer. Oh and after she finishes devouring those 2-4 minutes you’ll never get back? She’ll ask you about your life– at which point you’ll almost feel bad for reaching into your 10 pound bag of pre-packaged responses and pulling out some good ol’ reliable bullshit.

In short: Ms. Lockhart’s penchant for forming genuine connections with other human beings was totally killing the vibe.

The breaking point arrived when Fran, the secretary, got corned into an 11-minute deep dive about Ms. Lockhart’s latest DIY home renovation. That same day, Fran shot off an emergency group text: “WTF DO WE DO!?”

The response was as swift as it was universal: An intervention was mandatory.

That intervention took place this afternoon and lasted about 48 minutes. Many intricacies were shared regarding the subtle art of the Mutually Manufactured Social Exchange– but the main takeaway was simple: All workplace conversations that aren’t A) directly related to the job or B) juicy gossip about the misfortunes of co-workers we all secretly hate are to be taken for exactly what they are– socially mandated niceties that have NOTHING to do with actual interest in another individual’s life and/or well being.

Not long after the intervention Ted, a senior partner, walked in on Ms. Lockhart wiping her eyes in the break room. Without thinking he asked her how she was holding up. Ted was all too ready to kick himself for making it sound like he actually gave a damn… but then Ms. Lockhart responded: “Oh you know.”

Mission accomplished.